Sucker for Evil

It's hard to say what the appeal is to playing as an evil character in a video game. Wait, I take that back - it's incredibly easy to say what the appeal is, it's just really awful to admit.

I was a big fan of Fallout 3 - I didn't play it too many times, but when I did I could get lost in it for hours. I finally understood why all those gamers could spend 8+ hours a day playing video games. It's additive. Right now I'm playing inFamous, another fun game that I've spent a lot of time playing. It's the only game where I've almost caught up to Julien in game progress (I have my own game file, of course). Considering his deep love of video games, that's saying a lot.

What's unique about both these games, versus other games of Julien's that I don't enjoy playing, is that in both of them you have a choice: you can play as a good guy, or a total shithead.

Well, I guess I'm a shithead.

In both of these games my character has ended up as the most evil incarnate asshole imaginable. I've enjoyed enslaving people, killing civilians and destroying lots and lots of random shit. When I run around the inFamous universe, people scream and run away at the sight of me, yelling that they don't want to die. But they die. Oh boy, do they die.

It's very very very odd, considering my personality. I like to think of myself as a kind individual who values the lives and well beings of others greatly. And yet, in this game universe, nothing matters but my own survival and petty amusement.

People often say that when you live your life through the digital world, i.e. chat rooms, Facebook or video games, you often project an image of yourself that you would either like to be, or you create someone that you could or would never ever be. It's the whole idea that we can create another soul, another version of ourselves that can do whatever they want with virtually (pun intended) no consequences.

(Especially interesting, because some friends of mine, like Armie, say that they could never play an evil character, because they identify too much with their character and feel guilty about hurting or killing others inhumanely.)

Perhaps why I like my characters to be evil, to have that charming side of barbaric self-preservation is because, deep down, that's someone I could never ever be ... but perhaps someone I might want to.

What type of character are you?

New member

I haven't told you guys yet, but I recently became a proud parent ... to a brand new iPhone 3gs!! That's right, I'm writing this blog entry from my new phone. That's right, blogging on the go! Be sure to stay tuned, everybody.

The Bitch Code

"You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores" - Mean Girls.

All right, so last night me and Julien went out to karaoke with our friend Armie, along with a group of his friends from the musical he was in. I had a good time but overall the whole night was mostly ... well ... educational, to say the least.

Since I was homeschooled, I never really had much of a chance to absorb the whole typical female "culture," since most of my time was spent studying, playing music and being very very shy. I was always a bit jealous that I wasn't able to get to know lots of different girls - that I didn't get to go to high school and have that whole social clique thing that you see in different TV shows and movies. (Of course, now I know high school isn't like TV at all, but I had my fantasies.)

So the group last night had a few girls in it, most of whom were very nice. So all of us hung out last night, drinking and smoking and just chatting it up. Well, I observed something very interesting over the course of the evening that, no matter how long it went, never went away: all the girls called each other bitches, sluts and whores all night long. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Am I missing something here?

At first I thought it was just a fluke, a glip in the language of the evening ... but no, it certainly wasn't. I don't think the girls ever called each other by their first names unless someone was asking where they were. Not only the girls, the guys were doing it too. Every woman there (save for me, thank goodness, because I would've gotten pissed) was called a bitch or a skank over and over again.

What the hell?! Is that supposed to be in good fun? Because it bothers the shit out of me.

When did it become okay for women to thrive on calling each other bitches and whores? How has that become common language for girls to say to each other? I don't get it people. I seriously DON'T GET IT.

The whole thing reminded me of the movie Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan. In it a homeschooled girl goes to high school for the first time and gets absorbed in a culture of girls who constantly berate, backstab and insult each other in order to make their lives feel slightly more meaningful. I thought it was an exaggeration, for entertainment value, but it turns out I was wrong. Girls actually speak to each other like this, on a daily basis.

I personally think it's complete bullshit. My reason? Because it's complete bullshit, people!

I don't want to spend all my time shooting others down while they do the same to me, over and over again, just so I "belong." How can that be at all productive, meaningful or genuine? It completely separates women from each other, turns us into parodies of the female experience and allows us (no, encourages us) to constantly insult each other under the guise of female stupidity. It's pathetic.

Well, I personally will never fall under this moniker. If someone calls me a bitch and I don't deserve it, I'll tell them to shove it right back up their ass. Because I'm not going to be one of those girls. Ever.

What a Trip

Whew! It's been awhile since I've been on this thing.

I'm not really surprised, considering everything I've been going through as of late. It seems like all the shit that was going down would convince me to blog even more, but it just made me crawl into a little cubby hole and hide, like a tiny mouse.

It really all had to do with my job at Heller. Seriously. I felt like this molecule that was getting smaller and smaller and smaller, til I was about to disappear into myself and never come back out again. It almost became dangerous to my physical health (why else was I sick all the time?).

Well, I got a new job a couple of weeks ago, bartending and serving at a place called Bahama Billy's in Carmel. I know it's not part of my career path, but I'm making more money working 5 hour shifts that I was working 40+ hours as the Wine Club Coordinator at Heller. The place is a lot of fun and (most of) the people there are really, really nice. The managers like me and treat me well, which is a great bonus. I finally feel like I'm being treated with respect, rather than like a child. 

In other news, my parents moved out of my childhood home to get a smaller place in San Mateo. I helped them move yesterday. It was rough. I cried a bit. When I was a kid we were always in transit - the house in Salinas was the closest I had to a home where I felt secure and in one place for longer than a year. It was hard to see it go. 

I also found out my younger sister has secretly been planning on moving to Reno to live with her new boyfriend, who I also didn't know about, without telling me or my older sister. I guess she feels we don't trust her - the hardest part is, she creates the situations where we lose trust because she's so afraid that we don't trust her. Sometimes I wish she would act like an adult and be accountable for the situations she chooses to put herself in. I'm not disappointed in what she's doing, but it is disappointing that she chooses to live in two separate realities - the ones she tells us, and the one she tells the rest of the world.

If she only realized that growing up means being honest, this whole situation would've gone a lot smoother.

I'm also getting my hair done tonight. Will post pics.

The Roommate Factor

I'm feeling a little .... conflicted at the moment. 

Me and Julien have had another couple stay with us for the past two weeks (a few more days to go). They paid a fair amount to stay here for two weeks, and they seemed perfectly nice so we thought it would go just fine. But things have gotten a little ... awkward. 

The wife (will not delve into names) seems to be really upset at me and Julien, for who knows what reason. She barely says a word to us, other than to chastise us for something we're doing that's bothering her. When she talks, she talks only to her husband and will barely acknowledge us. I personally don't feel we did anything to deserve it, especially considering all the lengths we went to to make sure the house could well accommodate them - but if we did, the worst thing she could do is the thing that she's doing ... ignoring us. I'd rather just know what the problem is and deal with it, rather than have this unnecessary tension that's slowly eating away at my brain.

I don't quite know what's going on but I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach it. The last thing I want is for her to get really upset and somehow take it out on the house (you never really know how people are going to behave until afterwards). 

You never really know people.

Why Blog?

Lately I've been having some major life transitions, mainly looking for a new job and trying to be more self-confident and reliable, and it's caused me to question quite a bit of the world around me, the things I see and the things I experience.

The one I'm questioning right now is: why blog?

Blogging is a recent phenom that's such a huge part of many people's lives. With the exception of the past few weeks, in which I have not really been present in my life AT ALL, or on this blog, blogging has really become a big part of mine. I love to let people know about my thoughts and feelings, and to read the thoughts and feelings of others. It helps me feel connected to this large and vast world that we live in.

Is that why everybody else does it? To feel connected? I certainly hope so, although I've heard differently before. I've heard many people say that blogging is for promoting oneself, promoting a company, promoting an idea ... promoting promoting promoting. Sounds like a commercial for, well, YOU. 

"Just off the rack, fresh baked Beth ready for the reading and noticing!" 

But there has to be more to it, right? So much more than just selling something for attention or profit. That just sounds narcissistic. There has to be a baser reason - the instinctual drive to know, to connect, to feel. We all want to feel something, to reach out and know that somebody's there, hearing what we say and caring about our lives. 

That's why I do it. What about you?

Job and Life: Update

Wow, the past (however long I haven't written since) has been insane. I'm currently training the new Wine Club Coordinator, and couldn't be happier about it. Every time I teach her something I realize that it's something I'll never have to do again, and I feel better about it every time it happens. I have two more days of training her and then I'm done.
As far as getting a new job goes, I'm in the final throes of getting hired at a restaurant in Cannery Row. I'll make good money there and the people seem really nice. I have a final interview tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I have the job.
I feel so good right now ... I feel more in control of my life than I have in awhile. I feel like I stood up to a tank and said DO NOT PASS. I've needed to feel this for a long time now.
I'll let you know whether or not I got the job ... and I promise I'll FINALLY post some new pics of my new house.

Beth
p.s. last Saturday my family and I put our dog, Misha, to sleep. She had been with us for 13 years, and it was really hard to see her go ... but we didn't want her to suffer in pain anymore.

The life I lead

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. I'm not surprised, it's been a rough couple of weeks. But all is going to be better now, I just know it. 

I finally got the courage to quit my job. I've been thinking about it for months now, and I finally did it. I'd been having a rough time there and I feel like it was becoming the wrong environment for me. I was no longer Wine Club Coordinator - instead I felt like  as assistant to my own position, having to take orders without any control over anything. I felt powerless and alone. It got to the point where I was crying almost every day at work, sobbing in the bathroom. It wasn't healthy for me or for my loved ones.

Not to mention the fact that my schoolwork has been suffering, which my teacher had even told me on Thursday. Well, she didn't say it was suffering, per se, rather that I didn't seem like my usual self as of late. By the way, I found out that if I take one certain class at college this fall, I'll qualify as a transfer for San Diego State University, my dream school. I wouldn't be able to take the class if I was still working the 8:30am-5pm.

I'm still going to work there for awhile as a Tasting Room host, just so I have a guaranteed job, but I'm currently looking for something else that's closer to home for the nights. I don't quite know what the future will bring, but I'm optimistic. I'll keep you posted on how things go.

Warcraft Update: Hooray!

While on vacation Julien told me that he was quitting Warcraft COMPLETELY for awhile - was completely his decision, too. Yippee! I'm really happy, for both him and myself. There are so many amazing things he could do with his time, and hopefully now he'll finally be able to see and appreciate that.He was actually up for about 3 hours the night before writing a story. Unfortunately he ended up getting sick the next day ....

Pics from the trip!

As promised, here are some pics from the trip to Gualala! As you can see, the weather was absolutely beautiful. We had such a wonderful time. 

Flat tire

Just found out I have a flat tire .... pretty lame. Currently waiting to hear if it can be repaired or if it has to be replaced. Not the best addition to the trip, but hey, it could be a lot worse ;).

p.s. Julien looks really cute changing a tire!

Live in Gualala!

Hello all! I'm currently reporting from a little internet cafe in beautiful Gualala, CA. The weather is absolutely perfect, my boyfriend is absolutely perfect and I'm having the best time. It's been the perfect vacation - I can't believe I still have two whole days! 

I'll post some pics when I get back.

Send me on my way

As if moving into my new house wasn't perfect enough, tomorrow I'm heading out on my vacation! I'm going to Gualala, CA, a small little town about 2 1/2 hours north of San Francisco, right on the coast. My aunt and uncle have a vacation house there and they're letting me use it. Me and Jules have been planning this for months, and finally we get to go! I'm so excited ... work has been really stressful and I could really use a break.
What I love the most about Gualala, other than the fact that it's gorgeous and we don't have to pay for a room, is the isolation. Cell phones don't work there and there's no internet at the house. That means that for five days I'll be completely cut off from the rest of the world, and it's really exciting. It's a freeing feeling.
There are two cafes with internet access in town - I might go there once or twice over the weekend and update this blog about the trip ... but I can't make any promises ;).
I'll be back next week!

Warcraft Update

Good news: me and my boyfriend had a serious talk yesterday after he mentioned that his mom had told him I was upset about the night before. He promised me that he would only "raid" every 2 weeks if I promised that those nights could be just for him, which is fine with me because there are nights where I like to keep to myself. So that made me feel a lot better.

Rant about Warcraft

I normally don't like to hate things. It makes me feel ugly and small. I much prefer to try and be understanding, which doesn't always work. This is one of those times.
I hate that my boyfriend plays Warcraft. Hate hate hate hate hate. And I don't know how to tell him. I've tried so hard to be gentle and compassionate, then upfront, and then pissed off, but I'm seriously at my wit's end. I'm afraid that if it continues and he doesn't follow through on his promise to change, it's going to be an ever-growing wedge between us. I don't want that, and I don't think he realizes just how much it's happening.
Last night was our last night in our little house before moving next door. I wanted to spend some time with him, cuddle a bit in our little house. He told me he would be finished by 10pm, 10:30 at the latest, and I said I would wait up for him. Well, I did, and he wasn't finished, because his friends were late in "showing up" and it was taking "longer than he anticipated." I ended up staying up until 11:30 for him and he never got off the fucking computer. I think he was on there until past midnight, which he promised me wouldn't happen anymore.
I talked to his mom about it this morning and she said she's had it with his addictive game behavior. I think she's going to have a serious talk with him, which is good, because apparently he isn't listening to me, no matter how hard I try.
I hate Warcraft.

new house!

Moving into my new digs today. Goodbye to the little house! I wish I'd take more pictures of it. Julien's parents are needing to stay with us for a week or two because there was a storm, meaning they can't bring their new boat up from Santa Barbara.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the house we're moving into is the one Julien's parents used to rent, right next door to ours! It's been the easiest move I've ever had.
I'll show you some footage of the new house as soon as it looks presentable, i.e. without a bunch of boxes clogging up the works.

Barefoot and pregnant

I just read this appalling article online: Women's Right to Vote, the Beginning or the End of America? The person who wrote it actually had the audacity to claim that women shouldn't vote, because they are too emotional to really know what they're doing. And by giving women the right to vote, America is heading on a downward spiral of doom.
Well, I was so stricken by the hell-hole that is this article, that I posted what I considered to be a logically-based argument against his misguided theory. Make sure to read the article before reading my response, otherwise you might not understand:

Dear Writer,

I'm not going to assume your education level, religion, even your gender - I'm just going to speak to you as a person. Your claim that men are ruled by logic and women are ruled by emotion is weak, misguided and completely ridiculous, both scientifically and philosophically.
You do realize that every motivation, regardless of any physical characteristic, including gender, comes from a personal, subjective standpoint ... which is, guess what, emotional. It is impossible for anybody to be completely logical, because logic implies a complete lack of meaning, response or personal interest.
And before you claim that those are "women's words," those ideas are philosophical findings that were introduced by men far before women had any rights apart from their fathers or husbands. These philosophical concepts were reinforced by scientific research into the brain that was introduced, again by men, in the mid 19th century.
In addition, the idea of the word "emotion" (and all that's attributed to it) is merely an umbrella term for any physiological response that the brain provides in order to assist in a reaction to outside stimuli. That's the very definition of logical thought: see, process, respond.
So in retrospect, are emotions logical or are logistics emotional?
Maybe you should do a little more research before ranting about something you don't understand.

Signed,
Anonymous
p.s. I suppose you feel like slavery should still exist, too.

Survey

Found this on Lady Croissant.

what is your current obsession?
The weekend.

what are you wearing now?
Libertine for Target button-up blouse, black mid-waist pants, my red robot socks, Camper sneakers and a yellow fedora with the tag cut out. This entire outfit only cost me $8 (for the hat, everything was was hand-me-downs or gifts).

do you nap a lot?
No, because my mind is always way too busy.

why is today special?
Because it's Friday and I get to pack for the move this weekend!

what would you like to learn to do?
I want to perfect my French before I learn anything else.

what's for dinner?
Je ne sais pas. I might cook up that gnocchi I've been saving, grab some gorgonzola from the store and cook it with some veggies. Sounds pretty yummy. Jules will be jealous.

what was the last thing you bought?
Groceries. So exciting.

what are you listening to right now?
An air condition. I really should turn on some music.

what is your favorite weather?
Depends on my mood. It's a beautiful sunny day today and I'm loving it.

what is on your bedside table?
Don't have one right now.

what's your style?
Hmm ... I would say a mix of boho and preppy. I like to mix things up. Oh, and I always like wearing a bit (or a lot!) of color. Hence, the hat.

what is your most challenging goal right now?
To clear this little debt I have from having to replace all the brakes in my stupid car.

say something to the person who tagged you.
Nobody tagged me, I volunteered for this little thing.

if you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where do you want it to be?
Paris.

favorite vacation spot?
Gualala. Going there next week!

name the things you cannot live without.
Life, love and edamame.

what would you like to have in your hands right now?
My boyfriend.

what would you like to get rid of?
My debt.

what was the last book you read?
Technically it was my French textbook. Don't have much time for reading, my dear.

if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Home. Sleep.

what language do you want to be able to speak?
I think I've already established that.

why did you start blogging?
Because it's fun!

Nameless

(this was inspired by the story of Rumplestiltskin, as assignment for my Creative Writing class, as well as some other things going on in my life.)

Nameless

You give everything
and still I don't know you.

You take everything
and still I don't know you.

You dance in fields,
laughing, shouting.
I watch from the darkness
like a stranger.

Two Things

I've had a crazy week, which is why I haven't been writing. I'm really really really really tired now. Here's what's been going on:

1. I had to take my car in to get my brakes fixed. I figured I probably should after they would screech when I accelerate and shake when I braked. 2 days of crappy sleep and $500 bucks later and I have my car back, good as new. The only downside is the bad brakes really took a toll on my two rear tires, which I have to replace now. Gonna cost another $200 bucks or so. Yippee. Luckily I get to sleep in my own bed tonight and use my own car in the morning. I've been staying at my parents because my repair shop of choice is in their town and my boyfriend currently doesn't have a car.
2. The 'avant-green' fashion event that I've been planning for 2 months happened last night. I've got to tell you, I'm so glad it's over! It was fun, but I am exhausted. The models were great, except one didn't show up. The problem I had was with my fellow volunteers. I had to show up at 5:00 because I worked, and when I got there it was like there were no volunteers helping the models, even though at least two of them were assigned JUST to help them. I had to drag people in to help me just to keep everything going. And then I kept having to drag them over the course of the entire night, which sucked for me, because I wanted to relax at least a little bit. But no, I'm not allowed that luxury. Overall the event was a success, but it really battered the crap out of me.