The Wine Life

So I decided to take a break from this blog for a little while and focus on developing my wine blog, http://winorhino.blogspot.com, since my career ambitions involve writing for wine publications (here's hoping!). But since I'm stuck at home, both sick and recovering from a sprained ankle, I thought writing in my normal ranting-type blog would be a fun way to spend my time. Goodness knows I shouldn't be drinking wine right now :).
Right now I'm actually working on an article for PalatePress.com about life as a young wine drinker. It's exciting, but tough. I hadn't written a news-style article in awhile and, I must admit, it's quite like getting back on the horse. I feel a little rusty, which is why it's taking me a little longer than normal. But it feels great to be working on it! I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Otherwise, just enjoying the beautiful Monterey CA weather and trying to prep for my French exam on Thursday. Bon chance!

Life's Little Surprises

I just found out today that my full financial aid went through, so all I have to pay are $31 in basic fees for the entire semester! I talked with the financial aid consultant today, and she told me that with this current fee waiver (based on my current economic situation) I could be covered for up to $4,000 in community college fees.

Now, that's only for community college fees, which are only $26 per unit. If I went to a university, she said, I would probably be covered for much more, since the expenses are so much higher. Essentially, I could potentially get full financial aid coverage for university.

Well, since I don't predict that my financial situation is going to improve that drastically, sounds like things are really looking up for me and my future at university next year. Hooray!

Sucker for Evil

It's hard to say what the appeal is to playing as an evil character in a video game. Wait, I take that back - it's incredibly easy to say what the appeal is, it's just really awful to admit.

I was a big fan of Fallout 3 - I didn't play it too many times, but when I did I could get lost in it for hours. I finally understood why all those gamers could spend 8+ hours a day playing video games. It's additive. Right now I'm playing inFamous, another fun game that I've spent a lot of time playing. It's the only game where I've almost caught up to Julien in game progress (I have my own game file, of course). Considering his deep love of video games, that's saying a lot.

What's unique about both these games, versus other games of Julien's that I don't enjoy playing, is that in both of them you have a choice: you can play as a good guy, or a total shithead.

Well, I guess I'm a shithead.

In both of these games my character has ended up as the most evil incarnate asshole imaginable. I've enjoyed enslaving people, killing civilians and destroying lots and lots of random shit. When I run around the inFamous universe, people scream and run away at the sight of me, yelling that they don't want to die. But they die. Oh boy, do they die.

It's very very very odd, considering my personality. I like to think of myself as a kind individual who values the lives and well beings of others greatly. And yet, in this game universe, nothing matters but my own survival and petty amusement.

People often say that when you live your life through the digital world, i.e. chat rooms, Facebook or video games, you often project an image of yourself that you would either like to be, or you create someone that you could or would never ever be. It's the whole idea that we can create another soul, another version of ourselves that can do whatever they want with virtually (pun intended) no consequences.

(Especially interesting, because some friends of mine, like Armie, say that they could never play an evil character, because they identify too much with their character and feel guilty about hurting or killing others inhumanely.)

Perhaps why I like my characters to be evil, to have that charming side of barbaric self-preservation is because, deep down, that's someone I could never ever be ... but perhaps someone I might want to.

What type of character are you?

New member

I haven't told you guys yet, but I recently became a proud parent ... to a brand new iPhone 3gs!! That's right, I'm writing this blog entry from my new phone. That's right, blogging on the go! Be sure to stay tuned, everybody.

The Bitch Code

"You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores" - Mean Girls.

All right, so last night me and Julien went out to karaoke with our friend Armie, along with a group of his friends from the musical he was in. I had a good time but overall the whole night was mostly ... well ... educational, to say the least.

Since I was homeschooled, I never really had much of a chance to absorb the whole typical female "culture," since most of my time was spent studying, playing music and being very very shy. I was always a bit jealous that I wasn't able to get to know lots of different girls - that I didn't get to go to high school and have that whole social clique thing that you see in different TV shows and movies. (Of course, now I know high school isn't like TV at all, but I had my fantasies.)

So the group last night had a few girls in it, most of whom were very nice. So all of us hung out last night, drinking and smoking and just chatting it up. Well, I observed something very interesting over the course of the evening that, no matter how long it went, never went away: all the girls called each other bitches, sluts and whores all night long. ALL NIGHT LONG.

Am I missing something here?

At first I thought it was just a fluke, a glip in the language of the evening ... but no, it certainly wasn't. I don't think the girls ever called each other by their first names unless someone was asking where they were. Not only the girls, the guys were doing it too. Every woman there (save for me, thank goodness, because I would've gotten pissed) was called a bitch or a skank over and over again.

What the hell?! Is that supposed to be in good fun? Because it bothers the shit out of me.

When did it become okay for women to thrive on calling each other bitches and whores? How has that become common language for girls to say to each other? I don't get it people. I seriously DON'T GET IT.

The whole thing reminded me of the movie Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan. In it a homeschooled girl goes to high school for the first time and gets absorbed in a culture of girls who constantly berate, backstab and insult each other in order to make their lives feel slightly more meaningful. I thought it was an exaggeration, for entertainment value, but it turns out I was wrong. Girls actually speak to each other like this, on a daily basis.

I personally think it's complete bullshit. My reason? Because it's complete bullshit, people!

I don't want to spend all my time shooting others down while they do the same to me, over and over again, just so I "belong." How can that be at all productive, meaningful or genuine? It completely separates women from each other, turns us into parodies of the female experience and allows us (no, encourages us) to constantly insult each other under the guise of female stupidity. It's pathetic.

Well, I personally will never fall under this moniker. If someone calls me a bitch and I don't deserve it, I'll tell them to shove it right back up their ass. Because I'm not going to be one of those girls. Ever.

What a Trip

Whew! It's been awhile since I've been on this thing.

I'm not really surprised, considering everything I've been going through as of late. It seems like all the shit that was going down would convince me to blog even more, but it just made me crawl into a little cubby hole and hide, like a tiny mouse.

It really all had to do with my job at Heller. Seriously. I felt like this molecule that was getting smaller and smaller and smaller, til I was about to disappear into myself and never come back out again. It almost became dangerous to my physical health (why else was I sick all the time?).

Well, I got a new job a couple of weeks ago, bartending and serving at a place called Bahama Billy's in Carmel. I know it's not part of my career path, but I'm making more money working 5 hour shifts that I was working 40+ hours as the Wine Club Coordinator at Heller. The place is a lot of fun and (most of) the people there are really, really nice. The managers like me and treat me well, which is a great bonus. I finally feel like I'm being treated with respect, rather than like a child. 

In other news, my parents moved out of my childhood home to get a smaller place in San Mateo. I helped them move yesterday. It was rough. I cried a bit. When I was a kid we were always in transit - the house in Salinas was the closest I had to a home where I felt secure and in one place for longer than a year. It was hard to see it go. 

I also found out my younger sister has secretly been planning on moving to Reno to live with her new boyfriend, who I also didn't know about, without telling me or my older sister. I guess she feels we don't trust her - the hardest part is, she creates the situations where we lose trust because she's so afraid that we don't trust her. Sometimes I wish she would act like an adult and be accountable for the situations she chooses to put herself in. I'm not disappointed in what she's doing, but it is disappointing that she chooses to live in two separate realities - the ones she tells us, and the one she tells the rest of the world.

If she only realized that growing up means being honest, this whole situation would've gone a lot smoother.

I'm also getting my hair done tonight. Will post pics.

The Roommate Factor

I'm feeling a little .... conflicted at the moment. 

Me and Julien have had another couple stay with us for the past two weeks (a few more days to go). They paid a fair amount to stay here for two weeks, and they seemed perfectly nice so we thought it would go just fine. But things have gotten a little ... awkward. 

The wife (will not delve into names) seems to be really upset at me and Julien, for who knows what reason. She barely says a word to us, other than to chastise us for something we're doing that's bothering her. When she talks, she talks only to her husband and will barely acknowledge us. I personally don't feel we did anything to deserve it, especially considering all the lengths we went to to make sure the house could well accommodate them - but if we did, the worst thing she could do is the thing that she's doing ... ignoring us. I'd rather just know what the problem is and deal with it, rather than have this unnecessary tension that's slowly eating away at my brain.

I don't quite know what's going on but I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach it. The last thing I want is for her to get really upset and somehow take it out on the house (you never really know how people are going to behave until afterwards). 

You never really know people.

Why Blog?

Lately I've been having some major life transitions, mainly looking for a new job and trying to be more self-confident and reliable, and it's caused me to question quite a bit of the world around me, the things I see and the things I experience.

The one I'm questioning right now is: why blog?

Blogging is a recent phenom that's such a huge part of many people's lives. With the exception of the past few weeks, in which I have not really been present in my life AT ALL, or on this blog, blogging has really become a big part of mine. I love to let people know about my thoughts and feelings, and to read the thoughts and feelings of others. It helps me feel connected to this large and vast world that we live in.

Is that why everybody else does it? To feel connected? I certainly hope so, although I've heard differently before. I've heard many people say that blogging is for promoting oneself, promoting a company, promoting an idea ... promoting promoting promoting. Sounds like a commercial for, well, YOU. 

"Just off the rack, fresh baked Beth ready for the reading and noticing!" 

But there has to be more to it, right? So much more than just selling something for attention or profit. That just sounds narcissistic. There has to be a baser reason - the instinctual drive to know, to connect, to feel. We all want to feel something, to reach out and know that somebody's there, hearing what we say and caring about our lives. 

That's why I do it. What about you?

Job and Life: Update

Wow, the past (however long I haven't written since) has been insane. I'm currently training the new Wine Club Coordinator, and couldn't be happier about it. Every time I teach her something I realize that it's something I'll never have to do again, and I feel better about it every time it happens. I have two more days of training her and then I'm done.
As far as getting a new job goes, I'm in the final throes of getting hired at a restaurant in Cannery Row. I'll make good money there and the people seem really nice. I have a final interview tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I have the job.
I feel so good right now ... I feel more in control of my life than I have in awhile. I feel like I stood up to a tank and said DO NOT PASS. I've needed to feel this for a long time now.
I'll let you know whether or not I got the job ... and I promise I'll FINALLY post some new pics of my new house.

Beth
p.s. last Saturday my family and I put our dog, Misha, to sleep. She had been with us for 13 years, and it was really hard to see her go ... but we didn't want her to suffer in pain anymore.

The life I lead

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. I'm not surprised, it's been a rough couple of weeks. But all is going to be better now, I just know it. 

I finally got the courage to quit my job. I've been thinking about it for months now, and I finally did it. I'd been having a rough time there and I feel like it was becoming the wrong environment for me. I was no longer Wine Club Coordinator - instead I felt like  as assistant to my own position, having to take orders without any control over anything. I felt powerless and alone. It got to the point where I was crying almost every day at work, sobbing in the bathroom. It wasn't healthy for me or for my loved ones.

Not to mention the fact that my schoolwork has been suffering, which my teacher had even told me on Thursday. Well, she didn't say it was suffering, per se, rather that I didn't seem like my usual self as of late. By the way, I found out that if I take one certain class at college this fall, I'll qualify as a transfer for San Diego State University, my dream school. I wouldn't be able to take the class if I was still working the 8:30am-5pm.

I'm still going to work there for awhile as a Tasting Room host, just so I have a guaranteed job, but I'm currently looking for something else that's closer to home for the nights. I don't quite know what the future will bring, but I'm optimistic. I'll keep you posted on how things go.

Warcraft Update: Hooray!

While on vacation Julien told me that he was quitting Warcraft COMPLETELY for awhile - was completely his decision, too. Yippee! I'm really happy, for both him and myself. There are so many amazing things he could do with his time, and hopefully now he'll finally be able to see and appreciate that.He was actually up for about 3 hours the night before writing a story. Unfortunately he ended up getting sick the next day ....

Pics from the trip!

As promised, here are some pics from the trip to Gualala! As you can see, the weather was absolutely beautiful. We had such a wonderful time. 

Flat tire

Just found out I have a flat tire .... pretty lame. Currently waiting to hear if it can be repaired or if it has to be replaced. Not the best addition to the trip, but hey, it could be a lot worse ;).

p.s. Julien looks really cute changing a tire!

Live in Gualala!

Hello all! I'm currently reporting from a little internet cafe in beautiful Gualala, CA. The weather is absolutely perfect, my boyfriend is absolutely perfect and I'm having the best time. It's been the perfect vacation - I can't believe I still have two whole days! 

I'll post some pics when I get back.

Send me on my way

As if moving into my new house wasn't perfect enough, tomorrow I'm heading out on my vacation! I'm going to Gualala, CA, a small little town about 2 1/2 hours north of San Francisco, right on the coast. My aunt and uncle have a vacation house there and they're letting me use it. Me and Jules have been planning this for months, and finally we get to go! I'm so excited ... work has been really stressful and I could really use a break.
What I love the most about Gualala, other than the fact that it's gorgeous and we don't have to pay for a room, is the isolation. Cell phones don't work there and there's no internet at the house. That means that for five days I'll be completely cut off from the rest of the world, and it's really exciting. It's a freeing feeling.
There are two cafes with internet access in town - I might go there once or twice over the weekend and update this blog about the trip ... but I can't make any promises ;).
I'll be back next week!

Warcraft Update

Good news: me and my boyfriend had a serious talk yesterday after he mentioned that his mom had told him I was upset about the night before. He promised me that he would only "raid" every 2 weeks if I promised that those nights could be just for him, which is fine with me because there are nights where I like to keep to myself. So that made me feel a lot better.

Rant about Warcraft

I normally don't like to hate things. It makes me feel ugly and small. I much prefer to try and be understanding, which doesn't always work. This is one of those times.
I hate that my boyfriend plays Warcraft. Hate hate hate hate hate. And I don't know how to tell him. I've tried so hard to be gentle and compassionate, then upfront, and then pissed off, but I'm seriously at my wit's end. I'm afraid that if it continues and he doesn't follow through on his promise to change, it's going to be an ever-growing wedge between us. I don't want that, and I don't think he realizes just how much it's happening.
Last night was our last night in our little house before moving next door. I wanted to spend some time with him, cuddle a bit in our little house. He told me he would be finished by 10pm, 10:30 at the latest, and I said I would wait up for him. Well, I did, and he wasn't finished, because his friends were late in "showing up" and it was taking "longer than he anticipated." I ended up staying up until 11:30 for him and he never got off the fucking computer. I think he was on there until past midnight, which he promised me wouldn't happen anymore.
I talked to his mom about it this morning and she said she's had it with his addictive game behavior. I think she's going to have a serious talk with him, which is good, because apparently he isn't listening to me, no matter how hard I try.
I hate Warcraft.

new house!

Moving into my new digs today. Goodbye to the little house! I wish I'd take more pictures of it. Julien's parents are needing to stay with us for a week or two because there was a storm, meaning they can't bring their new boat up from Santa Barbara.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the house we're moving into is the one Julien's parents used to rent, right next door to ours! It's been the easiest move I've ever had.
I'll show you some footage of the new house as soon as it looks presentable, i.e. without a bunch of boxes clogging up the works.

Barefoot and pregnant

I just read this appalling article online: Women's Right to Vote, the Beginning or the End of America? The person who wrote it actually had the audacity to claim that women shouldn't vote, because they are too emotional to really know what they're doing. And by giving women the right to vote, America is heading on a downward spiral of doom.
Well, I was so stricken by the hell-hole that is this article, that I posted what I considered to be a logically-based argument against his misguided theory. Make sure to read the article before reading my response, otherwise you might not understand:

Dear Writer,

I'm not going to assume your education level, religion, even your gender - I'm just going to speak to you as a person. Your claim that men are ruled by logic and women are ruled by emotion is weak, misguided and completely ridiculous, both scientifically and philosophically.
You do realize that every motivation, regardless of any physical characteristic, including gender, comes from a personal, subjective standpoint ... which is, guess what, emotional. It is impossible for anybody to be completely logical, because logic implies a complete lack of meaning, response or personal interest.
And before you claim that those are "women's words," those ideas are philosophical findings that were introduced by men far before women had any rights apart from their fathers or husbands. These philosophical concepts were reinforced by scientific research into the brain that was introduced, again by men, in the mid 19th century.
In addition, the idea of the word "emotion" (and all that's attributed to it) is merely an umbrella term for any physiological response that the brain provides in order to assist in a reaction to outside stimuli. That's the very definition of logical thought: see, process, respond.
So in retrospect, are emotions logical or are logistics emotional?
Maybe you should do a little more research before ranting about something you don't understand.

Signed,
Anonymous
p.s. I suppose you feel like slavery should still exist, too.

Survey

Found this on Lady Croissant.

what is your current obsession?
The weekend.

what are you wearing now?
Libertine for Target button-up blouse, black mid-waist pants, my red robot socks, Camper sneakers and a yellow fedora with the tag cut out. This entire outfit only cost me $8 (for the hat, everything was was hand-me-downs or gifts).

do you nap a lot?
No, because my mind is always way too busy.

why is today special?
Because it's Friday and I get to pack for the move this weekend!

what would you like to learn to do?
I want to perfect my French before I learn anything else.

what's for dinner?
Je ne sais pas. I might cook up that gnocchi I've been saving, grab some gorgonzola from the store and cook it with some veggies. Sounds pretty yummy. Jules will be jealous.

what was the last thing you bought?
Groceries. So exciting.

what are you listening to right now?
An air condition. I really should turn on some music.

what is your favorite weather?
Depends on my mood. It's a beautiful sunny day today and I'm loving it.

what is on your bedside table?
Don't have one right now.

what's your style?
Hmm ... I would say a mix of boho and preppy. I like to mix things up. Oh, and I always like wearing a bit (or a lot!) of color. Hence, the hat.

what is your most challenging goal right now?
To clear this little debt I have from having to replace all the brakes in my stupid car.

say something to the person who tagged you.
Nobody tagged me, I volunteered for this little thing.

if you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where do you want it to be?
Paris.

favorite vacation spot?
Gualala. Going there next week!

name the things you cannot live without.
Life, love and edamame.

what would you like to have in your hands right now?
My boyfriend.

what would you like to get rid of?
My debt.

what was the last book you read?
Technically it was my French textbook. Don't have much time for reading, my dear.

if you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Home. Sleep.

what language do you want to be able to speak?
I think I've already established that.

why did you start blogging?
Because it's fun!

Nameless

(this was inspired by the story of Rumplestiltskin, as assignment for my Creative Writing class, as well as some other things going on in my life.)

Nameless

You give everything
and still I don't know you.

You take everything
and still I don't know you.

You dance in fields,
laughing, shouting.
I watch from the darkness
like a stranger.

Two Things

I've had a crazy week, which is why I haven't been writing. I'm really really really really tired now. Here's what's been going on:

1. I had to take my car in to get my brakes fixed. I figured I probably should after they would screech when I accelerate and shake when I braked. 2 days of crappy sleep and $500 bucks later and I have my car back, good as new. The only downside is the bad brakes really took a toll on my two rear tires, which I have to replace now. Gonna cost another $200 bucks or so. Yippee. Luckily I get to sleep in my own bed tonight and use my own car in the morning. I've been staying at my parents because my repair shop of choice is in their town and my boyfriend currently doesn't have a car.
2. The 'avant-green' fashion event that I've been planning for 2 months happened last night. I've got to tell you, I'm so glad it's over! It was fun, but I am exhausted. The models were great, except one didn't show up. The problem I had was with my fellow volunteers. I had to show up at 5:00 because I worked, and when I got there it was like there were no volunteers helping the models, even though at least two of them were assigned JUST to help them. I had to drag people in to help me just to keep everything going. And then I kept having to drag them over the course of the entire night, which sucked for me, because I wanted to relax at least a little bit. But no, I'm not allowed that luxury. Overall the event was a success, but it really battered the crap out of me.

Virginity

I recently came across a blog entry in The Daily Beast (not something I typically read, mind you) written by "Natalie Dylan," the self-proclaimed virgin who's about to collect almost $4 million dollars by selling her virginity online. This article spewed out a few fancy trigger words like "experiment" and "oppression," but the main point of the article, perhaps one she did not intend, says this: if we're seen as objects, we should become objects, that way we can get a little extra cash.
In the article, "Natalie" mentions how society has always viewed virginity as a valued commodity, i.e. fathers would sell their virginal daughters for profit and status, which is true. That's not what bothers me, although it essentially does ... but that's for another article. It's the next part that bothers me. She says that she considers herself independent for taking that tradition and "flipping it" so that she's benefiting from it financially instead of some man. Now, that's the part that isn't true.
She isn't flipping it, she's helping it.
By selling her virginity online in such a crude and lucrative way, "Natalie" is perpetuating a ludicrous and sexist system that only serves to continue viewing women as objects to be purchased. "Natalie" is creating a bad example for young women everywhere - that, as long as we live in crooked times, we should accept what we're given and milk it for all it's worth. Those kind of things never turn out well, both principally and emotionally.
Am I the only one who sees the heartlessness is this?
Now, I'm not advocating for treating your virginity like some priceless artifact that needs to be handed over to your dear husband for him to put on his shelf. But I do believe that one's virginity is something that is personal, private and should be shared with someone who matters to you. Not some John Doe with an extra mil or two to spare.

It happens everywhere

Read this article about the atrocities of sexual violence happening in Congo right now. This article made me physically sick to my stomach, but it's something that everybody should read. It just shows how bad things can get when we don't work to stop sexual abuse and violence.

Women in Congo Speak Out About Rape

The neverending awesomeness ...

Despite the fact that, generally, I consider myself to be a lucky person (I once won a hot air balloon ride by entering a free contest at Safeway), I've never really had good luck with computers. My (now) previous laptop was no exception. I bought it less than 2 years ago and since then it has probably been at the Best Buy repair center more than I've ever had it at home! It's been a never-ending stream of small problems and little annoyances, like a broken wireless button or 2 small dots of light on the screen that would never go away. Thank goodness for my 3-year Geek Squad plan, or this computer would've seen the hard end of a bat months ago.
Anyway, after the 4th time of having to send it in for repairs, I finally got annoyed enough to request a no-lemon policy, which would allow me to get a new computer. The Geek Squad guys didn't go for it at first, but I wouldn't back down, and they finally relented and sent in the request. Last Thursday I got a call saying it had been approved! I went it straight after work on Friday to collect on my one piece of computer good fortune that I'd had in years.
This is the part where it gets good.
So I went in to Best Buy, expecting to get a newer version of the computer (which I would've been happy with, since my old laptop was only 1g and the average one was 4g now). Instead, they told me that I would get a credit that I could use toward whatever new laptop I wanted. I got scared for a minute, because my computer was way passe. I bought it for $800 but feared I wouldn't get more than $400.
Well, next thing you know, the Geek Squad guy tells me that, since the average price of the laptop was $791, that was the price they were going to give me. Can you believe that?! I was stunned. He told me that I could get any laptop for up to that price. Hmm ... well, I tried another approach.
Let me introduce this next section by saying that I'd always wanted a MacBook, but could never afford it.
I asked the guy if I could use some of my money and get an upgrade, and sure thing, he said yes! So I went straight over to the Mac section, found the MacBook of my dreams and picked it right up. After over an hour of tweaking the cash register, the total for my laptop finally came up ... including tax, $580. A hell of a lot better than $1300, I'll tell you that!
One more thing. Despite the fact that my Geek Squad rep told me that I could transfer the one year remaining on my warranty, the guys upstairs said that I couldn't. However, to make up for all the shit I had to go through, they offered to pay for half of a new plan. I didn't want to spend much, and figured I could buy a new policy later, so I decided to go for the $100 accidental coverage to go with my manufacturer warranty.
Well, just as you know it, the guy ringing me up accidentally comped me for the entire warranty! Afterwards, he said that he was too tired to undo it and didn't care, so he gave it to me. So, in essense, I DID get my one-year policy transferred to my new laptop! Isn't life great?
So that's my happy ending. And you know what? After all the crap the last computer put me through, I tell you what, I deserve it :).

RapeLay

It's hard to imagine anyone trying to make rape positive. To me, rape is one of those subjects that will never be funny, amusing or good in any way. I was outright disgusted when South Park did an episode that depicted Indiana Jones getting raped, and wrote quite an opinionated entry about it in my former Myspace blog. I honestly thought I couldn't witness anything worse than that in popular culture.
I should've known better.
Meet 'RapeLay', an underground Japanese eroge video game ... or as it's often referred to, a rape simulator. That's right, a rape simulator.
The sole purpose of this game is to play a wealthy man who was accused of being a pervert years ago, and is now taking his revenge by raping a series of women without getting caught. Yes, he's the protagonist. You go through a series of interactive scenes that guide you to "corner" women and rape them. Apparently they struggle at first, but then start to enjoy it. Because all women secretly enjoy being raped, right?
The United States is considering banning it, but since it's not publicly available at any American stores, real or online, it probably won't end up happening. Besides, any idiot can download it through to their system.
This kind of mentality about sexual violence is just another piece of the puzzle that creates tolerance of domestic abuse and rape. We as a society need to look at rape, sexual violence and domestic abuse and really see it, rather than just know it's there. Because if more Rihanna / Chris Brown situations continue to happen, especially because he'll most likely get off on parole without serving any jail time, then we're looking at a cultural disease that we won't be able to cure.
Say no to rape.

What kind of message?

Like many people, especially those who have experienced or witnessed domestic violence, I have been following the Rihanna / Chris Brown situation pretty carefully. I don't normally follow celebrity news or gossip, but this one really got to me.
Domestic violence isn't something that's normally reported on so diligently - although approximately 1 in 4 women have been or will be abused by a spouse or partner in their lifetime, domestic violence tends to grab far less headlines than shark attacks, shootings or lightening strikes ... all of which are far less common.
Domestic violence has always been something I've felt very strongly about. I've witnessed emotional and physical domestic violence before, a couple of my friends used to be in abusive relationships, as well as seen the long-term effects that it has had on them. It can effect someone for years, maybe even decades. Some people never get over it.
But since I have never been in an abusive relationship myself, it's hard for me to look at it from a sympathetic viewpoint. I personally have virtually no sympathy for abusive people, and do not have any room in my heart to include them in my life. I also do not believe that couples should stay together after any abusive confrontations.
It's true: when someone abuses you, they're going to do it again, because they know they can get away with it. The only solution for any abusive situation is to leave. Let that person get therapy on their own, and hopefully develop a healthy relationship with someone else after they've cured their own demons.
Nothing can ever be the same after abuse comes into the relationship. It's exactly the same with cheating. Once you have brought mistrust, doubt and fear into a relationship, it can never be completely vanquished. You can patchwork it together into a working relationship, but it will never be healed. I know that probably sounds harsh, but it's just my opinion on the matter.
I hoped that Rihanna would follow that advice and end things with Chris Brown. After all, she's a woman who's a role model for countless young girls out there, girls who need to be shown that it's okay to say no to abuse, violence and degradation. It would be the best decision, for both her personal health and her career.
So when I heard that Rihanna, despite being beaten almost to death, got back together with Chris Brown after just a few weeks, I was crushed. What kind of message does that send to young girls, other than that abuse is okay?
I can just imagine the scores of young teenage girls suffering from abusive boyfriends and saying: "Yes, he may have physically harmed me to the point where I may have permanent brain damage, or tell me I'm stupid long enough where I lose my scholarship and am forced to work the Returns at Walmart, but I know he didn't mean it. He's going to get better and I am going to help him. That's what Rihanna and Chris Brown did."
That kind of thought behavior is criminal. If Rihanna or Chris Brown have any kind of real successful careers after this, they are going to be built on failure to truly understand what it means to be role models for others and themselves. Abuse is a viscious cycle that never ends until someone comes in with a pair of scissors and just snips.

Staredown with the crooks at Dreamworks

How many bland copies does it take to annoy me? Well, I've just found out.
I've had a bone to pick with Dreamworks Pictures for quite some time now. It first started when they allegedly (although anyone with a brain knows it's true) stole Pixar's ant-world idea and created Antz in a rush so they could beat the premiere of A Bug's Life, a much more original and highly developed movie with a better storyline.
I'm still on the shelf about Madagascar and The Wild. It's obvious that one was a complete rip-off of the other, and whilst Madagascar DID come out first, I'm not convinced that Disney was the copycat, because The Wild had much better animation and a more diverse voice casting. And given Dreamworks' track record with Antz, I wouldn't be surprised if they had ripped off The Wild too.
Then the whole Shrek thing. I did enjoy the first and second ones, but it seemed a little tweakish that they could create an entire trilogy out of copying ideas from Disney copying ideas from original fairy-tales. It seems like such a complete hack, like those 'Disaster Movie,' 'Date Movie' and 'Meet the Spartans' spoofs that only serve to further dumb down the population by hurling physical gags and sexual innuendo until we're ready to kill ourselves. Not to mention the whole farting, burping and whatnot (that's in just about every scene from Shrek) really gets on my nerves. By the way, did you know they're making Shrek into a musical? There's an entire song devoted to burping and farting as some sort of romantic gesture. I'm not kidding. Seriously.
But now they've really crossed the line into desperation. The new Dreamworks movie, 'Monsters vs. Aliens,' features a character named Bob, a slick, sarcastic, yet somewhat endearing piece of blue goo that has the ability to slide around and move his arms in and out of his body.

Sound familiar? That's the exact same character description for Bloo (see way above), one of the stars of 'Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends,' a darling and highly original show on Nick. The only real difference that I've noticed, other than the animation quality differences, is the fact that Bob has only one eye, whilst Bloo has two. Everything else about them, in retrospect, is exactly the same. In fact, you can create the name Bob from Bloo by combining the 'l' and 'o' into one letter and putting it at the end! It's mind boggling!
It's totally obvious that Dreamworks wanted to capitalize on the success of Bloo's character by morphing it just enough to avoid a lawsuit and plucking it into this movie. It's pretty mental, if you ask me. The only thing that saves the character of Bob from bring thrown headfirst into the bottomless pit of my eternal malcontent is the fact that Seth Rogan is providing the voice.
Ten bucks says I'll still end up seeing this movie. But I'm goin' in a Bloo t-shirt. If I can find one. I'll have to make a stop at Hot Topic.

Thank goodness!

Turns out I don't have pneumonia, it's just a virus thing. The doctor said I'm probably having trouble breathing because my chest is sore from the congestion and coughing. I don't really buy it ... but I guess we'll see what happens. I'm just grateful it's not something long-term.

My body hates me

So I'm pretty sure I'm getting pneumonia. It's been hard to breathe for over a week and a half, I have severe chest pains, I'm afraid I'm coming down with a fever and I have a cold that won't go away. It sucks and I feel terrible. Going to the doctor's today. Will let you know how things go.

Who watches the watchmen?

I really hope Snoopy doesn't move ...

A message for all the locals

Are you a female living in Monterey, Salinas, San Jose, San Francisco or any city in between? If so, please consider volunteering for our upcoming 'avant-green' fashion/art show! Here's all the information about this exciting event:

'Avant-green' fashion/art show looking for models/volunteers

Are you interested in being a model for a day? We certainly hope so!

The Hospitality Group from Monterey Peninsula College is hosting a benefit event for the Women's Services Dept. on Tuesday, March 24, 6-9pm, at the Student Center at Monterey Peninsula College. The event is called 'Avant-Green,' a fashion/art show featuring live models posing as living mannequins, displaying the latest in sustainable and chic resale clothing. We are looking for female volunteers, ages 18-35, to be living mannequins for this chic fashion event. Here's what this event would involve:

1. Being able to stand/sit/lean as a living mannequin (limited movement, no conversation) for three 20 minute intervals. You will be given a 40 minute break between each 20 minute session to relax and change.
2. Willing to wear chic, fashionable clothing from local sustainable and resale boutiques, including Haute Dame Boutique and Dress For Change.
3. Willing to have your makeup and hair styled by local artists, in a chic runway style.
4. We would need you to meet us once at one of the boutiques for a fitting, approximately 1 1/2-2 weeks prior to the event.
5. You would need to arrive at the event by 3pm on Tuesday, March 24 for makeup and hair styling.
6. You would need to provide your own shoes (flats, boots or high-heels, please bring 2-3 pairs) and nylons/tights.

We're also looking for makeup and hair artists to assist and help create the looks for our models. If you are interested in being a behind-the-scenes player, please send a photograph of your work (makeup or hair).

If you are interested in participating in this once-in-a-lifetime event, please contact Beth at jainomo@gmail.com. Please send your measurements and a current photograph. The deadline for consideration is Monday, March 9th and space is limited. We hope to see you there!

Well I'll be ...

This was definitely not something I expected, but definitely something interesting! A supergroup with Taylor Hanson :). My sister Christine is going to be psyched.

Wine Blog

I started a wine blog to post my new wine findings, tastings, discoveries and other little things that wine lovers might appreciate. Here's the link if you would like to check it out:

Wino Rhino

Cheers!

"Serenity now"

I don't understand how some women can be so bitchy in what's supposed to be a relaxation class. I went to Pilates this morning, a few minutes before the class was supposed to start. There was hardly any room left, so I was left to set up my mat right next to the door. This women right next to me turns to me, almost immediately, and says "Do you think you could move your mat a bit? You're kind of close, and we do a lot of circles and rotations in this class."
(Let me take a moment to say that we had at least 2 feet between our mats)
Not wanting to make a scene, I simple said okay and proceeded to move my mat even closer to the door, making it virtually impossible for me to circle or rotate without hitting the cubbies filled with towels and shoes. But hey, at least she was no longer slightly inconvenienced.
If that wasn't enough, the woman continued to lecture me on what they do in the class, how they do it and how she needs a lot of space to do it ... as if I was some idiot first-timer who was only in the class to fulfill my New Year's resolution for a few weeks.
By the way, I've taken Pilates for months and certainly know the gist of it.
So I look her directly in the eyes and said, "Yeah, I know, I've been in this class before" before turning around and walking to the restroom. By the time I returned class had started, but the woman certainly made it clear that I was inconveniencing her workout by the way she was circling and rotating her legs ... despite the fact that I had given her more space than half the other people in the class had given each other. Because, you know, everybody else had manners.
I was in a sour mood the entire time, didn't concentrate very well and now I just feel annoyed. So much for inner peace. And common decency.

Hermit month

So Jules and I have decided to have another hermit month in March, where we avoid spending money on anything but the bare necessities. Basically all we do is cook at home, go to the beach and take advantage of our Netflix membership.
I really recommend this for anybody who's needing a bit of a financial breather. Not to mention how nice it is to get away from the whole consumer culture for a bit. I can't tell you how many times I end up feeling so wasteful just from all the shit I buy and keep around. I don't know how so many people can keep doing it all the time. Must be crippling.
April's going to be a little crazy, money-wise. We're moving into a more expensive house and purchasing a TV from Julien's parents. Not to mention the vacation we're taking to Gualala, which I'll be posting several pics and videos from. It's one of those places that you have to see to really appreciate. Anybody who's been there gets it. If you haven't, well, you just don't.
Anyway, I'm going to go work on my story a bit more and start reading the Declaration of Independence. It's for my literature class. I know, a bit of a bizarre choice, but not my call. Ask the teacher.

Gold and ambition

I made a decision yesterday that I swore to myself I would not make: I've decided to actually start a novel. For years I have convinced myself that writing novels wasn't something I really could, or even wanted to, do. But alas, I am going to step over that puddle and actually give it a try. I don't plan on using it to earn my first million, or even trying to get it published or recognized.
Honestly, I just want to prove to myself that writing a novel is something within my reach. I plan on using this current semester of Creative Writing II to achieve just that.
I'll keep you all posted with updates of how it's working out. I already have my first page but I'm not going to reveal it yet ... I'm showing it in class tonight and I want to see if anybody likes it before I submit it to the world beyond.

If you change your mind

I've recently started to come to the realization that, truly, everything is about perspective. Regardless of the situation around me, I can influence my every reaction to it simply based on my perspective. If I walk into something expecting to be upset, angry or remorseful, then that's exactly what's going to happen. Or rather, if I step into something expecting to be optimistic, peaceful or humorous, then that's (usually) how I feel.
I really need to start taking that into consideration more.

Wine Weekend

To both celebrate and (pretend to) ignore the sappy greeting card sentiments of Valentine's Day, Julien and I spent last weekend wine tasting. I know it sounds like the quintissenial Valentine's Day soiree for a young couple in love, but for us it was as much an educational excursion as it was a romantic one.
It was my first time really going tasting after being hired as the Wine Club Coordinator for Heller Estate. I've gone to a couple tasting events before, but that was partially for work so it wasn't quite the same. It certainly helps (both my wallet and my ego) when I can use my Heller business card to not only get free tastings anywhere I go, but also to get 20-30% off all wine purchases. It was splendid - like being part of an exclusive club.
We went to a few Carmel Valley tasting rooms on Saturday and to Soif Wine Bar and Restaurant in Santa Cruz on Monday. Sunday I was sick in bed so we didn't get to make it a three-day affair, unfortunately.
My favorite part about the experience were the great conversations Julien and I had about the wines we were trying. He and I have both greatly improved our palettes since first meeting each other, and we're both really noticing it, especially together. It was the most fun I'd had in awhile. It was also nice to be on a certain wavelength with the winemakers and TR hosts that we encountered. I felt respected in a really positive way. Here's a list of our favorites wines, the ones we took home with us:

1. 2005 Talbott Sleepy Hollow Chardonnay - Both Jules and I really enjoyed this wine because it had all the positive qualities of the 2006 Sleepy Hollow, slight tropical notes of pineapple and melon, a hint of lemon curd, slight oak and a warm buttery cream, but without the excess acidity that the 2006 seemed the have. The 2005 was more fluid and subtle, and the finish was clean without dropping out too quickly.




2. 2006 Parsonage Syrah - Parsonnage has two distinct wine categories in their collection. The first would be their everyday wines, with grapes that are taken from different vineyards and mixed together. The second is their private reserve, which only boasts two grapes that they grow themselves: syrah and cabernet. In all honesty, I did not like their cabernet at all. It had elements of vegetable and vinegar, without any distinct fruit sweetness or earth. On the other hand, their Syrah was deep and rich. It had excellent dark berries, coffee and a great amount of natural terroir (i.e. earth, sun and breeze) in its flavors.


3. 2002 Bernardus Marinus - Jules and I first tried the 2003 Marinus (a meritage-style blend), which is included in the general tasting. Afterwards, we saw that the 2002 was priced exactly the same. We asked if we could try it and the TR hosts opened a bottle for us. While the 2003 was great in all respects, the 2002 had something special to it. The one year made so much difference between the two vintages. It also helped that the 2002 had less emphasis on the cabernet grape, which allowed for more interaction between the different varietals. We immediately decided to take that one home with us. As we were leaving, Jules overheard the two TR hosts gossiping about us, about how we knew our stuff.


Anyway, those wines are now sitting in our small but quaint collection, just waiting to be drank. I look forward to trying them all again. As soon as I go out for another tasting or try a new bottle I will definitely keep you informed.

Never love something that doesn't love you back

I decided to take my blogging pursuits to Blogger because Wordpress is really, really, really, really annoying. It's more professional than Blogger but it's really hard to maintain and I can't really upload it anywhere. There's always been problems when I try to upload my Wordpress blog to Facebook or Digg.

Well, here's to new beginnings!

p.s. if you want to see something interesting, check out my original Jainomo Blogspot, written when I was still in high school.

Ill at ease

It's hard to work when you're sick.

My mind is going everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My brain is fuzzy and I can't concentrate. My fingers keep stumbling over the keys. If I posted this without fixing all the spelling and grammar errors I'm making, this would make for a very lousy and hard to read blog entry. It might be funny, though. Something to think about for next time.

My whole body feels weak and strained. It sucks.

Clogged Arteries

Nothing says love like basic human anatomy! Delicious anatomy, too! Chalky and sugar-coated.

I wonder if I'd look like a cannibal if I ate this.

Avant-green

So I have some pretty exciting news.

I'm currently taking a Special Events Management course at MPC, to help improve my skills set. I've always had a knack for planning fun, unique events - but the logistics always seem to fall through the cracks in one way or another.

Anyway, this specific semester is unique because, for the first time, the class is actually planning a real event. Apparently they usually divide everybody up in groups of 4 and have them plan fake events. Not this year. This year they've decided to do something real.

And guess whose event proposal they chose?

Well, if you couldn't guess by the over-the-top exhuberantly exhilerated tone (which I completely had, by the way), it was mine :). I proposed a fashion showing prioritizing sustainable resources, like organic, bio-sustainable and resale clothing. But it's not just any fashion show, with the runway and cheesy music. We're going to do a living mannequin display. We're getting a series of models to pose as living mannequins for the evening - we're dressing them in lavish clothing, fabulous makeup and crazy hair. We're also going to have green vendors, food and (hopefully) beer and wine. The event is called "Avant-green." I randomly came up with the name at the end of class last week and the teacher really loved it. She thought it was very unique and got the message across.

We're planning on making it a benefit for the Women's Services Department, which provides bus passes and donated work clothing for in-need working professionals.

Right now me and the other girls in charge of the Fashion Show part of the event are working to get donations from local organic and resale stores, as well as art and fashion students from local colleges. If anyone is interested in participating, please let me know. We're always looking for up-and-coming designers, and we're also on the lookout for models as well.

I'm so excited! I feel really positive right now, and excited at seeing this vision come into reality.

Just to let you know, the event is Tuesday, March 24 from 6-9pm. I really hope that all of you can make it, because I'd love to see you there.

Eternity exists as I inhale

I breathe in lives
from the atoms
to the atmosphere.

Millenniums, centuries, weeks, days
flowing on windswept currents.

The blush of hope.
The flush of desperation.
The first and last tear-stained smile.

Hands and fingers reaching
for the light of the sun.
Straining through clouds, rain and snow
for a hint of warmth,
a brush with completeness.

Their eternal hearts beat wildly,
circulating through creation.

As my own hands become dry and brittle,
fingers curling, unable to reach,
I realize
in a matter of years
someone will breathe in me.

has become less than

I baked you a pie
It's lodged in my stomach
Unable to come up
Unwilling to break down

I wash my sticky, slippery, shifting scales
In the sand
Turning pebbles into dust mites
And fortunes into crowns

My scales
They glow as rainbows glow
Shooting sunspots out of your eyes
Into the vacant spaces

Peace be with the monsters
Who ease my flickering spirit

I've only been late for everything
Before this

Damn this blood condition

So lately I've been obsessively listening to the Repo! the Genetic Opera soundtrack. Well, some of it. I must admit that some of the songs are pretty horrendous. What else can you expect from a modern-day rock opera where there's no spoken dialogue and everybody is basically talking about guts, genes and surgery? Not to mention the whole "Paris Hilton is in the movie" thing, which I still think was a bad choice. I mean, given all that, some of the tunes are gonna be duds.

However, the songs that are good are really good. My favorite is 'Legal Assassin,' sung by the father/repo man. The repo man is played by the guy who was Giles on Buffy (just in case you ever watched the show) and, man, does he have a set of pipes! He reminds me of my dad. A very strong, powerful yet surprisingly tender voice. Another couple of good songs are 'Infected' and 'Genetic Emancipation,' both sung by the girl who was (formerly) the young girl in the Spy Kids series. Man, what a couple years and some black bondage tape will do to you! A couple other good songs are 'Mark It Up,' for its sheer grossness factor and haunting circus-like accompaniment, and 'Zydrate Anatomy,' which is just a damn fun song to listen to.

I'm really dying (ha-ha) to see this movie, but I've been told that it's really, really over-the-top gross-out gory. And since I have a bit of a tendency to, well, pass out during violent movies, I'm not sure if watching this particular film is really worth it at this point. I mean, do I really want to spend two hours with my eyes closed trying to sneak peeks of the Armageddon-like landscape and gothic/industrial costumes in between the moments of dead human puppets, grotesque surgery and bodily impalements?! I'm not sure.

Maybe I should find someone to suffer through it for me before I check it out. Any volunteers?

Stupid Priceless Artifacts

One thing that sucked about the aforementioned trip to Circuit City was the lost ark of golden opportunity that's still haunting me this morning as I drink my hot chai latte and listen to the warm, steady glow of flourescent bulbs overhead.

Right as I was walking into the children's DVD section I heard this loud, overweight woman in a hideous cheetah shirt proclaim "Hey, here's Alvin and the Chipmunks, would the kids want that?" The other woman replied, "I don't know, maybe." I assumed that she was talking about the live action/computer animation disaster that was released last year. I turned around to look (hey, the woman was loud, she caught my attention) just in time to see it was actually the DVD copy of The Chipmunk Adventure! Right as I was hyperventilating and preparing to jump her for the copy, she casually tossed it into her shopping cart that was stuffed with a huge, bloated supply of stupid movies she'll probably never watch.

I looked for at least 10 minutes for another copy, to no avail.

I told Julien (mon petit ami, in case you were wondering) later and HE proceeded to look for a copy as well, and ended up getting verbally attacked by some tall, thin woman who thought he was crowding her style. In the end, I went home without a copy of that beloved, hard-to-find movie that Tine (ma soeur) DOES have on DVD, but without the cute box or bragging rights of finding such a priceless artifact!

The worst part is, that woman probably didn't even realize what genius glory she held in her shopping cart, which was most likely sandwiched between the Blueray of 'Meet the Spartans' and a DVD of 'Failure to Launch.'

Tragic.

Leave a Comment:
What's your priceless artifact???

Classroom Environment

In my opinion, a semester-long class at college always ends exactly as it begins. I'm not talking about what you learn, but about how you learn it. How the students interact with each other. How the teacher is going to observe, participate and grade. It's just like trying on a piece of clothing - it's either going to fit or it's not. No amount of finessing is going to change that initial fit.

The first day is always an indicator of how the entire semester's environment is going to go. For me, it happens one of two ways:

1) The students and teacher share a polite relationship. Everyone in class is polite. We ask generalized questions that make us seem as though we care about other people's lives, but we really don't. There's a subtle layer of competition underneath everything. People get close but never too close. There's always a wall in between.

2) The students click. The teacher is friendly and open. In a matter of minutes everybody's chatting like they're old friends - interrupting each other's sentences, welcoming new ideas, collaborating and debating in a full, healthy manner. Students exchange cell phone numbers and email address to keep in touch about upcoming projects.

I've had the pleasure (can I really call it that?) of experiencing both of these for this current semester. I'm looking forward to the classes that are option 2. And option 1? Well, let's just say that one gives me a little more anticipation for Spring Break.

Video Camera

I would say hooray for Circuit City, but it kind of feels wrong to since a bunch of people are losing their jobs. I am thinking it, but I will not say it.

Why am I wanting to celebrate? Because I scored an awesome new mini video camera for a really good price at Circuit City's liquidation sale! It's called the Flip Video Mino, a smaller, higher quality version of their original Flip Video. It's so cute and fits right into the palm of your hand. It takes really good video too - 30 frames per second with a constant frame rate and progressive scan. No, I don't quite know what that means, but it sounds good so I'll take it. Another bonus is you charge it just by plugging it into the computer. The original Flip uses batteries, which would probably be pretty annoying.

No, this isn't an advertisement for Flip that illegally snuck into my blog. I'm genuinely excited and felt like bragging a bit :).

This baby is normally almost $200 but I got it for $125 on sale. You may be asking, why did I spend $125 on a little video recorder? The main reason is because I really, really miss recording little events with my family and friends. We used to do it so often, and I still have so much fun looking at those videos. I figured at this important part of my life, all our lives, really, I really should be keeping track of it at least a little bit. Second is because the iPhone (which I plan on purchasing this summer) apparently has a terrible video recorder and I don't really plan on using it. And another reason is I felt like a little impulse buy, which I'm entitled to every once in awhile, right?

I plan on making videos and posting them on here. Should be fun - it isn't something I've ever really done before. I'm excited. Hope you are too! Well, at least until you get sick of all the Nutcracker puppet shows and shots of me driving around town.

Hallway Fashion

Starting a blog is a hard thing to do. When I was younger blogs were only found in the form of personal diaries you, for some reason, decided to post online for everybody and their neighbor to read. I was one of those people. I wrote a personal diary on a Web site called Teen.com. It was actually quite successful - I got fan mail and everything.

Well, nowadays everybody's got a blog - and it's not enough just to put your thoughts out there for the entire world to read. Now you have to have a niche. A hook. Something that drives people to read it regularly. So I was looking at different blogs online, to try and find out what makes a blog successful. Do I need to make a theme? Tie it down with specifics? Then I looked at a couple fashion blogs ...

Fashion blogs are the epitome of the narcissistic self-love that has come to embody so many blogs (and people) over the past few years. Take the latest issue of Nylon magazine, throw in a young adult eager to become the next Kate Moss or Kanye West and the occasional obscure quote from some movie star or singer, and you've got the components of a perfectly successful fashion blog.

They're short, quirky, filled with spouts about the latest Manhattan or L.A. party or the absolute perfection in finding a vintage designer gold belt for $50 after, oh, about 3 hours of shopping. Don't forget the pictures. For some reason every fashion blogger feels the need to take multiple photos of themselves in random funky outfits and post them every single day. They're always in a hallway, in front of a door or out in the backyard, partially out of focus, with either a lawn gnome or some 60's-era wood carving picture in the background.

The whole thing feels like there's a constant mirror being shown in front of our faces - we need to show the absolute best of ourselves in front of it, lest we look like we're imperfect. It's a reality I'm trying to avoid, but still it lingers, showing my ugly reflection back at me. Maybe I should crack a smile. Or at least take a flash-filled picture of myself in the bathroom.

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